Balance

Lately i've been receiving news after news on marriage, pregnancies, new borns....

I looked back and allow myself to indulge in the happiness i once used to experience. However, i slapped myself awake and wonder. Are all these decision my pals are making a right one or not?

I must say i went through my fair bit of disappointments, anger, fustrations, of the decision i made 2 years ago. I struggled. At times, i still thought i would be better off alone, and happier! Yet of course, being a wife has brought my joy as well. It gave me a chance to give birth to a lovable little girl. Being a mother definately brought me joy and alot of fulfilling achievements.

There is a price to pay. Sacrifizes you have to make. Forgiveness you have to give. You have to be willing to tolerate. You have to accept the fact that, things change, people change. You have to keep learning everyday. It's not easy.

I always believe so long as there is love, nothing else matters. Love will pull us through. Love will make us stronger. And when you start to take each other for granted or no longer make an effort to create sparks, nothing works!

It's a balance. Yet, it takes more than just effort to create balance. Takes more than just talk, more than just expecting.

When Communication Breaks Down

What do you do when you know someone close to you, your loved ones, are facing a rough patch in their marriage???

You console them, talk to them, advice them, share your own real experiences with them and hope that they will change their mind and think again.

When it comes to my own marriage, i never knew how to handle or maintain. But i'm not ashame of seeking help or advices from others. And thank god, Thomas and i are still walking down life's journey hand in hand.

I then give advices (that i got from others) to people who turn to me or need them. However, this time, i failed. I do not know how and what to do to help this couple (family) who meant so much to me. I just hope both of them can sit down and talk things out, as i believe through proper communication we gain understand. Through understanding we gain trust. Through trust we gain more love which is the foundation to build and maintain a family (marriage).

You know It When

You know he loves you and is trying his best when....

- he tries his best to make you laugh

- he allow himself to act silly and be like a fool just to earn a smile on your face
- he picks you up even when he is extremely tired

- he makes sure you've cash in your wallet every working day

- he texts you to remind you to have lunch

- he insist with a kiss when he drops you off work
- he drives into the bus lane just to catch your bus for work
- he loves cooking for you
- he calls to say he misses you
- he tells you that no matter what happens you'll still have him
- he says thank you for giving him such a beautiful daughter
- he hugs you from behind
- ... ... ... ... ... ....

Above all, you know he loves you when he is trying his best to provide for you.

Thank you, love!

What's The Point?

Sometimes, when you sit and look back in your life, you realised alot of things, alot of decisions could turn out or be made differently. Yet again, what's the point of looking back? When we can't even turn back time or change it?

I think my life's rollercoaster is going on the down side now. It's taking my breathe away and also scaring the hell outta me! And i desperately wish i could get outta it and be on safe grounds immediately.

I start to question myself. Why? Why make decisions like that? Why have i even choosen this path? Why do i wanna put myself in such misery? Why can't i just let it go? Why was i so blinded? So many whys... Yet so few answers...

I've got so many things in my mind. So many 'secrets' that i need to share. So many doubts to clear. So many questions to ask. So many... So many... But, there's noone there!

And what's next?

My best console - When i hug my darling Shannon and talk to her, tearing over everything, she gave me a sweet smile and held my hands tight! (Does she really understand? Or was it just a coincidence?)

Happy Holidays!

When the jingle bells ring, i know its time we reflect, bid the year goodbye and prepared to welcome another new year. For me, it holds another special meaning - to celebrate another marriage year with hubby.

2009 marks our 1st wedding anniversary. We faced alot of challenges through this year. From good to bad to worst, but i guess whats important is, at the end of the day, we both find the way back into each other arms again. Its not easy i must say. There are times when we break each other's heart, got really upset and disappointed with each other, scream our heads off, swear at each other with every word we had in our dictionary, etc etc. But there are also times when we cant bear to leave each other even for just a few hours, when we'll do silly things just to see that smile or hear the laughter, when you know we meant the whole world to each other, etc etc.

1 year being married, i must say i've learnt and grown alot. Knowing that i'll be welcoming 2010 being a mother, added stress and responsibilities, no doubt. But i guess, along the way, i'll learn, we'll learn. I can't guarantee, i'll be the best mum as well as the best wife for both my daughter and husband, but i'll do my best. Not forgetting, i'm trying my best to be a filial daughter to my parents as well.

I feel and know that i've let many down over the years, including myself. But i always tell myself, it's not the end and these are just temporary setbacks. I might avoid, might take a longer time to succeed, to repent or to make my mark again, but i wont resent. I'll hang on!

In the upcoming year, i've new roles to play, at the same time alot of things/tasks i would love to accomplish. I don't know if i can fulfill my list, but i'll be trying very hard. I don't ask of everyone's understand and support. But would love if my loved ones will stand by me and support me.

As i aged, i realised i yearn for things that most people my age wont. I don't ask for the indulgance in luxury, i don't need the attention from everyone, i don't fight for a stand or authority. What i yearn for is priceless. That is, more time with my family, more connection with my loved ones and more appreciation to the people and things surrounding me. Very old i might seemed, but when you've had enough of time busted and passed the phase of only living for yourself, you know the smile and laughter , well-being and happiness of your loved ones are utmost important - something that you'll fight and risk your life for.

To all my readers, what has 2009 brought you and what will you want your life chapter of 2010 be like? Will there be a history, you can sit by your grandchildren in future and be proud to share?? I know i would love to make history that someday in future, my grandchildren will be proud to share... ... ...

Have a great and enjoyable holiday!

Left Alone

Very often, we overlooked people or things around us. People that we've, things that we've. We want everything and everyone to do things or follow our ways...

Well, I must admit i'm guilty of these!

Yet, somehow life after marriage has changed me drastically. I put my loved ones before myself, I cherish and treasure time i've with them. I know, there's no such thing as ''we've a whole lifetime together''...

But very often i'm being neglected and left all alone by people who claimed they care and love me most...

Am I really asking for too much???

The Pain Still Lingers

Ahma, can you still hear me???

在细汉的时阵阮阿嬷对我尚好甲尚好的东西拢会留乎我伊嘛定定带我去幼稚园看人在七桃看人在办公伙儿

看人在觅相找伊定定跟阮说 叫阮着要好好仔读册呒通大汉像恁老爸仔彼呢啊狼狈ㄛ在彼个时阵　阮拢听拢呒阿嬷 你到底是在讲什么

大汉了后　才知影阿嬷的话我会甲永远永远放块心肝底想到一步一步的过去定定拢会乎人真难忘时间一分一秒块过去在阮的心内定定拢会想到伊

阿嬷你今嘛在叨位阮在叫你你甘有听到阮的认真甲阮的成功你甘有看到阮在叫你你知影没

阿嬷你今嘛过的好么甘有人块甲你照顾希望后世人阮搁会冻来乎你疼作你永远的孙仔搁叫你一声阿嬷

想到一步一步的过去定定拢会乎人真难忘时间一分一秒块过去在阮的心内定定拢会想到伊

Exactly what i've repeatedly kept saying to her in my heart. Except for the part, asking if she has seen my success. Which in fact, i've yet succeed in anything in life. I remember my last conversation with her, i still lied to her telling her that, yes i'm working when she asked me about it. But i don't have a job at all, to start off with.

I was scared. I couldn't accept the fact that i've lost her suddenly. I didn't wanna admit and face it. I couldn't even see her for the very last time. Deep down, everyday at her wake, i didn't like it when i see her picture. I just can't accept it.

Yet on the day of her funeral, the pain was so sharp, so strong that till today, it still lingers in me. I didn't know that i actually loved and missed her alot. And that day when we were at the temple, bidding our last goodbye, i saw my grandpa's picture beside hers. I cried even harder. The pain was so overwhelming. I do actually missed both of them ALOT.

Then i realised... I don't think i can accept any of my other loved ones leaving me. Again. Though i know one day people will sure go... But somehow, i wish i don't have to go through this pain again. And as silly as i can be, i wish i would go before any of them...

Oh... Time Flies!

Just when i was soundly asleep exceptionally early, my hubby has to repeatedly call me soooo many times to check what am i up to and if i needed supper! OMG!!! I wanted to kill him then. Haa. Because the problem with me, i won't be able to get back to sleep once i am awaken. I need to be up by 630am later. See, now i'm still so awake! I don't know what to do.

Worst, i'm constipated. We forgot to top-up our 'laxatives' from my gynea last week. Till now, i still have problems poo-ing, even after i've tried all means. I swear i ate lotsa fresh fruits, drink plenty of water, etc etc. But still no signs. Driving me nuts just thinking of ways to make myself poo!

I'm over and done with my 2nd trimester. Time flies, huh?! I'm actually quite excited now. The thought of having just 3 months left before my baby girl POP, is making me quite anxious. I don't know how will it be like after that. I'm definately looking forward to it, though.

Being in my 3rd trimester, means i'm feeling soo soooo soooooo much heavier! I feel really clumsy and BIG. Though, i was reassured that i didn't grow very much in size, BUT i still FEEL BIG! I hope physically i wont grow any bigger. "Shannon, please eat and drink whatever mummy eat and drink so that she'll not grow fat!" Did i mention we're going for a pregnancy photoshoot sometime in November? Yes, we're. Will upload photos of me personally then.

My back is really experiencing the pressure now. I can't sit, stand or even lie down for too long. I can't eat like nobody's business now, because it causes me to feel bloated and uncomfortable. So now, i take alot of meals but in small portions. I drink lotsa water, cause most of the time i feel thristy. And... I didn't had fish throughout my whole 2nd trimester cause it just makes me wanna puke. Come to think of it, i LOVE fish before i was pregnant! Haa!

On the side note, marriage has been bittersweet. Hubby and i had our fair share of happy times, tearful moments, disagreements, 'cold-wars', etc etc. Sometimes, he made me really upset and disappointed that i was sooo despair and really have doubts. Yet every single time, he has his ways to snuggle right up into my arms again. (I've got a big baby, man.) We still have alot to learn from each other, alot to compromise and alot of issues here and there for us to resolve. Not mentioning, we've got another challenge coming her way. But i guess, everything will find its own way. Let's just hope for the best.

If

If i've a choice, i would love to re-live my adulthood again. I would make decisions i wouldn't have made, i wouldn't have made mistakes i've made. I would ensure whatever i do, i wouldn't have regretted. I would do alot of things in different ways.

If only i've a choice...

Now... It seems like, i don't have a choice, except to live on and make the best outta my life.

A New Look

All these while, i've been with my long straight hair.

No change. Except for the occasional hair cut, the bangs, or parting of fringe.

Reason being, i never thought curls will look good in me. Cause i've got thick heavy stubborn hair. Yet recently, i'm crazy over having curls. Of course, being pregnant i know no hairstylist will do my curls for me. So, i borrowed a hair curler from Fannie and try doing it myself.

So, i must say, i like it alot. But on days, i managed to get it done very nicely. Perfect. But on days, i just couldn't get it fix and i gotta leave the house with that ugly curls. Haa!

Hubby love the curls, though. So, i'm so going to get it done once i've POP my little girl. Looking forward... 18 more weeks!

Amazed

Last night, Shannon was really active. She kept moving non-stop and i can't get to sleep.

I tried holding onto hubby's hand, close to my tummy, hoping he can feel his girl move. Suddenly, he exclaimed: "I feel it!". Oh.. I was so surprised then. Cuz Shannon is still very small at this stage, therefore, i thought only i can feel her moving.

What amazed me most is, when i ask her to move harder to let her daddy feel her again, she really did move again. This time, her kick was firm.

I'm amazed!

This is such a bliss. :)

Mondays Are Never Blue

What to do on a Monday afternoon???

Find a place to relax, have a good lloooonnnngggg lunch, enjoy a good cuppa tea and.... Read your favourite novel!

Well, not only on Mondays, i spent most of my available weekdays enjoying my afternoon this way. =D

What's best? You know your best girlfriend (Babe, i think we can celebrate our one decade anniversary?!) enjoys doing the same thing too! Awww... Sometimes, you just don't have a speak to make yourself known.

Mondays are never blue... ;p

Nothing More I Could Asked For

Have you ever sit in front of the window, looking out at a open field, enjoying the raining breeze with a cuppa of hot tea, spending some quiet time to yourself and realised that you're actually very contented, loved and fortunate???

Oh well, i do.

I'm a stay-home-wife. My hubby works to supports the household and family. I never need to worry about not being able to meet the datelines, or worry if i'm making enough, all i need to do is open my mouth and ask. Yes, as useless as i can be. My hubby has never complained that i don't clean the whole house, i don't cook, i don't share his load and burden.

Seems like i've got a good life and everything i want? Nope. Price to pay? You don't get to see your hubby everyday, cause when he is home, you're soundly asleep, when you're awake, he's either still sleeping or is already out at work. Most of the time, you face the 42" TV at home and make friends with the nicely painted walls.

How sad that can be? Nope. Hubby wants me to go out with friends, he let's me do and go anywhere i want to, so long as i'll be home safely every end of day.

Shouldn't i be happy with life like that? Sadly, nope. Yes i'm contented, i'm loved and i'm really fortunate. But i guess i'm not as happy as who i was before.

The only time when i'm really happy, is when hubby is back home by my side, hugging me to sleep, kissing me goodnight/morning, making sure i'm feeling warm under the blanket, calls me any minute he can to say he miss me or to check on me, and spending time with me and my family over the weekends.

There's nothing more i could asked for, seriously.

Forgiveness

Many people hold onto a grudge because it offers the illusion of power and a perverse feeling of security. But in fact, we are held hostage by our anger. It is never too late to forgive.

I am especially wary of what I call "saintly forgiveness." Premature forgiveness is common among people who avoid conflict. They're afraid of their own anger and the anger of others. But their forgiveness is false. Their anger goes underground. I define forgiving as letting someone back into your heart. This returns us to a loving state -- and not merely within the relationship -- we feel good about ourselves and the world.

True forgiveness isn't easy, but it transforms us significantly. To forgive is to love and to feel worthy of love. In that sense, it is always worthwhile.

Forgiveness is love in its most noble form.

Just Breathe

Well, and so the first quarter of 2009 has just passed me by, just like that. Yes, just like that! Nothing special or exteremely exciting that i've to share with you guys. However, i just my current blog is filled with all my emotions. Mostly during the down times, BUT, i'm not exceptionally depressed or whatsoever. Just that, some how, the growing years bring thoughts and emotions that are overwhelming to me. Too overwhelming, in fact.

Anyhow, tuition has been really tough. Especially, when parents now are way too demanding. Not to me, but to their precious ones. Of course, i can understand the expectations each parents hold, to ensure their little ones receives the very best and BE the very best. I don't blame them. Just imagine the pressure and stress level my kids (still working on it) will be facing in future. Geezz~~~ I'm beginning to enjoy teaching all over again. Though tiring but i guess it's the matter or getting used to it, as well as managing it.

Living life away from home (my maiden's) is really rough and tough. Trying really hard to hang on and pull through, but sometimes i just lack the support and strength to do so. I can't deny that i don't make the best wife in the world, neither do i stand on a logical point at all times, nor have i been totally understanding at all times, BUT i'm really trying very hard to keep reminding myself that no matter what happens, life still goes on and i just have to live up to it. Expect less, hope less. I miss home badly. Terribly.

Learnt: that when you try to get even with someone, he will hurt you even more. Therefore, let love build its ways up and it will heal all wounds.

I'm amazed by how calm, relaxing and 'sober' i can get just taking a slow and quiet walk along the street, on my way home. Enjoy the sunset. Enjoy life as it is and just breathe....

When My Mind Is Still

When my mind is still and alone with the beating of my heart,
I remember things too easily forgotten:
The purity of early love,
The maturity of unselfish love that asks -- desires -- nothing but another's good,
The idealism that has persisted through all the tempest of life.

When my mind is still and alone with the beating of my heart,
I can find a quiet assurance, an inner peace, in the core of my being.
It can face the doubt, the loneliness, the anxiety,
Can accept these harsh realities and can even grow
Because of these challenges to my essential being.

When my mind is still and alone with the beating of my heart,
I can sense my basic humanity,
And then I know that all men and women are my brothers and sisters.
Nothing but my own fear and distrust can separate me from the love of friends.
If I can trust others, accept them, enjoy them,
Then my life shall surely be richer and more full.
If I can accept others, this will help them to be more truly themselves,
And they will be more able to accept me.

When my mind is still and alone with the beating of my heart,
I know how much life has given me:
The history of the race, friends and family,
The opportunity to work, the chance to build myself.
Then wells within me the urge to live more abundantly,
With greater trust and joy,
With more profound seriousness and earnest service,
And yet more calmly at the heart of life.

Live On

Sometimes i wish i can hide my emotions from myself.
Sometimes i wish you would rather say: "Don't cry, i'm here." than "I'm sleeping, can you just stop crying.

I seriously don't know what's with life or maybe with me nowadays, but i know i've lost myself along the journey. I don't know why, i don't know when, i don't know how.

People don't cry for no reasons right? People to get upset for no better reasons isn't it?

I don't need the world to be happy. I don't need to be flity rich to live happy. I don't need all of everyone's time to be happy. All i need is your understanding and sensitivity towards my feelings to be happy.

No? You think otherwise. Humans are selfish indeed. And that's life.

Live on.

First Post In 2009

Okie, i'm 14 days late from the first day of 2009.

New year, new resolutions, new status.

I started off 2009 being wifey to someone, god-mother to 2 very lovely god-daughters, recovered from the car accident, permanently living with my in-laws, and terribly missing home.

First of all, a big THANK YOU to all my sisters who have helped out on my wedding and everyone who has witnessed and celebrated the very special day of ours with us. We had a great time, though tired, but happy! Really happy i mean! =D

We've also both recovered from the car accident. Though somehow i'm still traumatised by the accident, but i'm overcoming it kinda well. No front seat for me in future. Haa! Kidding. Thanks to those who was there with us to comfort and helped us on that scary night. Appreciate it alot. Especially to my parents and in-laws.

2 more days to Hubby's birthday. Have arranged with some of his buddies to be here with him and of course invited my very close friends to celebrate this day with him too. Hope to see all of them. :)

I'll be back to update soon... Don't have the heart to write at all, now.

Losing Patience

And so... I've been losing my patience very easily and frequently lately. Just the slightest thing that happened can trigger that damn flame in me! Of course, my poor Hubby has been putting up with this.

Hmmm... I don't know what has gotten into me. Maybe i all i need is some alone time.

Ah, just let me run away for awhile... ... ...

All I See Is Myself

What pisses you most on a weekend or a public holiday?! It's when you tried so hard to wake the log up beside you , yet fail, then you try so hard to fall asleep again, yet can't cause of that damn air-con that's making so much noise, and then now, more than half of the day has passed, you're up all alone sitting infront of the damn monitor typing this! OMG~~~ How interesting can any weekends or public holiday be?!

It's always the case. When we plan activities or chores to do together the next day, he'll have to sleep in the whole damn day. Then only wakes up when everyone else is turning in. And then keep complaining that the dateline is getting closer, he's very stress, very tired, etc. Who else isn't tired and stress?! Everyone is. Who wants to spend any weekends or public holidays just by sleeping it away?! I bet nobody wants to too. But argh well, i've lost heart! I started to look into the mirror and talk to myself...

Everywhere i go, i only see myself...!!!